Love \
n\ 1: strong affection 2: warm attachment 3: attraction based on sexual desire 4: a beloved person 5: unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for others 6: a score of zero in tennis.
Hmmm…ok. Moving on…
Love vb Loved;
Lov-ing 1: to value highly : CHERISH 2: go feel a lover’s passion, devotion, or tenderness for 3: to touch or stroke lightly in an endearing manner: CARESS 4: to like or desire actively
Ok…right. So then…
Loved adj : held dear
Gotcha. So what’s with all the questions? Being in my late twenties (as in 30 in less than a month)
THIS seems to be the topic of conversation among many of my friends…both male and female.
What is love?
How do you know if you’re IN-love? The difference between love and IN-love.
How do you show someone you love them?
When are you allowed to tell them you love them, if/when you’ve decided you do?
How do you know if they love you? What makes it work? What makes it
not work? Blah, blah, blah…
It’s all very complicated…apparently. In an age where if you can’t google the answer it doesn’t exist, there seems to be a tone of frustration about this big ol’ mystery…normally we’re content to allow Merriam-Webster to define things. But I guess not with this topic, my friends. Despite the definitions offered above, well…it seems as though this is very hard to agree upon.
So, I’ve spent the last couple of weeks doing some research. Confused myself, I decided that I’d stop tuning out when these discussions happen (every time I’m out with friends for the last 5 years, in one way or another) and I’d start tuning in. At 1st not contributing, but rather collecting data through observation. Like Jane Goodall (
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jane_Goodall), I watched my friends and their significant others in their natural habitats.
Then I stated to put in my two cents here and there, but only in small pieces. I feared judgment. I thought I had a pretty good idea, but if I was way off I didn’t think my ego could handle the pointing and laughing.
Here is my close circle (of coupled people): A married couple…with twins. THREE engaged couples (I guess we’re at
that age). A living in sin couple…scratch that…two of those. A newly dating couple where
he doesn’t want to say girlfriend and
she’s offering his sweats at backyard bbqs. One of my best friends who recently moved away who fell in love with a man the 1st time they hung out…and he with her. Two lesbian couples, one of which does several things together and several things apart, and then VOLUNTARILY take interest in the other person’s apart things and then go home and cook each other things while they play with their dogs, listen to music, read, and then cuddle while they watch tv while planning their next fabulous vacation, occasionally pitying me and agreeing to tolerate me for an evening so I can be the foster child of mommy and mommy. This? How can I compete with this? So, I kept my mouth shut and I watched (rare).
Now, it must be said that I have made A LOT of dating mistakes. Those of you who know me personally are sitting there rolling your eyes at my understatement. Don’t feel bad. So am I. BUT I really feel I’ve learned from many of them. I’d list my lessons, but I think that’d be boring and this post is already seeming pretty boring. If you’d like to know, just ask. I asked many of them (the ones who wouldn’t ask me if I was drunk because I asked or think I was up no good), separately and together, “what’s love to you and how do you know if you’re doing it right?” Each of them looked at me weird and then realized that this is totally something rem would ask, and just answered me as honestly as they could.
NONE of them said the same thing about the former part of the question, but ALL of them said the same thing about the latter. They all defined love differently, but said (and I paraphrase) they didn’t really know if they were doing it right. They just knew they were trying their best. To which I asked, “But why? Why now with
this person are you trying your best?” And they looked at me like I was stupid (because it appears that I very well may be) and said, “Because I love him/her.”
????I thought you weren’t supposed to define something by using the word itself????
I just went back to watching. There was little for me to learn by asking. Despite my single status, I didn’t feel all that different from the rest of them. They just seemed to be trying their best to show one person out of the rest of us that they mattered a little more than everyone else in the room (though I’m sure we all love each other…in our own ways) and that they were willing to do a little extra to keep them safe and feel strong (though I can remember each of us doing that for each other from time to time…pretty much when ever we let each others know we needed it).
But HERE, was the kicker…or the point…or…well here was the thing that made it seem to work.
Everyone I mentioned in my close circle who I’ve had the chance to observe during this two week or so study,
WANTED the other person to love them. Merriam-Webster should mention that. Like, if a tree falls in the woods and there’s nobody there to hear it, does it make a sound? And if a girl/guy falls in the city and there’s nobody there who wants to hear it, should she/he make a sound? Or does she/he keep it to her/himself? And in that sense, did it actually happen? The love, that is. Is one-sided love actually love or does it get a different name? And if it does get a different name does the word already exist or do we get to make it up right here? On MY blog (this could be BIG!)? I asked some friends, all of whom jokingly said things like, pathetic, sad, and pointless. So yeah, I guess all of those words already exist. But they seem sort of yucky. Yet I’m not committed to NOT agreeing with them…yet.
So let’s take it back to the place where we began. Defining love and all its parts and actions. All of the love questions at the beginning that have been tossed my way over the last several years. Did Merriam-Webster do a good job in helping us to understand (scroll up)? Correct me if I’m wrong (no. really. Do it.) but, no. Not really. Those are just words. THAT I learned through my observation. I can’t really tell you what loves got to do with it…but I can tell you it has very little to do with just words. So that answers all of those questions…sorta. Ok, no it doesn’t. Not even a little. Guess there is no answer. But what about the other ones? These: “And if a girl/guy falls in the city and there’s nobody there who wants to hear it, should she/he make a sound? Or does she/he keep it to her/himself? And in that sense, did it actually happen? The love, that is. Is one-sided love actually love or does it get a different name? And if it does get a different name does the word already exist or do we get to make it up right here?”
Just wondering.
Love,
During rush hour periods downtown there are people in neon yellow vests that stand at intersections with traffic lights and instruct vehicles to stop when the light turns red and go when the light turns green. They also hold the responsibility of directing pedestrians to walk when the white man shape walk sign illuminates and to stop on the corner and wait until the walk sign comes back up when the orange stop hand becomes illuminated.
