This Is EXTRA Not Ok...

This is not ok…

It is -20 degrees with wind the chill factor outside…I am therefore, trapped. I cannot find the remote and I have one of those cable box things that doesn’t have buttons on it or anything. I can’t change the channel. There is a Jonathan Taylor Thomas Christmas movie on. This Is Not Ok.

The Upside: Jessica Biel is in the movie.

This Is Not Ok...

"Like many, I find the holidays to be stressful…the impending doom of financial demise, nightmarish travel, being a social worker during this time (there's LOTS going on there), and of course, FAMILY TIME, kinda makes me want to scratch my eyes out…or someone else's. But it isn't really cool to ruin other people's holidays just because you're not into it. It's a downer. I find it's best to find other outlets to purge the ick and spare the population of your (my) poison. So as an alternative to hurling myself off of the LaSalle St. Bridge, I think I will instead address my most recent annoyances in this next installment of This Is Not Ok. Maybe people just don't know what's not ok. So let's make it a fair and level playing field. Per usual, I will point out things that are not ok, and there. I've said it. Now you know. Additionally, maybe there are those who can now relate. Perhaps all we need is to communicate better. Perhaps we will create unity around things that are not ok! And we can go out into the world defeating the Not Oks, making it a better place (for me)! And isn't that what the holidays are about? Unity? Bringing people together? Me? To begin…The newest in This Is Not Ok…

· The lovey-dovey make out couple across from me on the train last night. I don't just find you annoying, I ACTUALLY hate you. Hate is strong word…and I hate you.
· Audible yawning.
· Big, fat, wide public yawns without covering your mouth.
· Throwing shoes at our president. He sucks. Badly. But you can't really throw your shoe at him. It's insulting to the US. Plus, what if it were something more deadly? I mean…look at our back-up plan. If anyone can do a lot of damage in a month it's THAT GUY!
· My parents. Just trust me on this one.
· Work parties. WHY do I have to go to these things?
· Law Students. Sorry baby, it's just…well, not ok. It's not your fault. I'm pretty sure law school blows.
· Status dating. Gross.
· The "77threeee-20twoooo-Lunaaaaaa" song.
· The "800-5eeeeight-eeeeight, 23hundreeed, Empiiiiiiiiire…" song.
· Public transportation riding, ring-tone testers.
· The Clark bus.
· High School kids on the Clark bus…and the redline…and the Halsted bus…
· Shows about finding out who is the father. I feel like that may just be a private matter.
· My dog, Sonny. He's a real jerkface.
· President-elect Obama STILL asking me for money. I don't have any. That's part of the reason I voted for you.
· Anne S. moving away. That was super, not ok.
· My future children. Trust me…it's a pretty safe bet.
· Rod Blagojevich. He is UBER-not ok.
· The name Rod.
· My student loan debt.
· The View.
· Regis and Kelly.
· Regis.
· Kelly.
· Proposition 8.
· That I talk to my ex's. Jesus, I'm a pussy.
· Graduate school. It's a hassle and you're not actually guaranteed to make more money.
· The temperature in my office. Why am I wearing a scarf and a hat inside?
· People who make fun of street performers. You try it, asshole.
· The fact that at this very moment I am both hungry AND fat. What's a girl to do?
· How much OTHER people's weddings cost me…and I can't even have one to get back at them someday.
· Madonna's accent.
· Serving sizes on cereals. Yeah right. For a butterfly.
· That I have to be at work for six more hours and can't handle the thought of six more minutes.
· That Starbucks doesn't deliver. The whole reason I need coffee is because I'm tired and can't move yet. p.s. It's REALLY cold out! Bring it to me.
· Crotch tattoos.
· Me…for once dating someone with a crotch tattoo…to be fair the tattoo came after we had already begun dating. But still…
· To expand on one of my previous points; a dog who eats my underpants. Underpants don't grow on trees!
· The word underpants…though I prefer it to "panties." Panties is a pervert word.
· People who dump you during the holiday season. Very uncool and somewhat traumatizing…creating yet ONE MORE negative connotation to the holiday season. Neat-o.
· The amount of times I can watch Little Women and still cry every time Beth dies. SHUT UP! That Claire Danes is very convincing!
· The amount of times I've watched (will watch) Little Women.

Whelp…that oughta do it for now. Mind you, that's just what came to me in this sitting. There will be more to come in the next installment of This Is Not Ok (aka Free Therapy). Feel free to add to it…you may even attempt to defend yourself if you feel you've been called out…just make sure I don't know where you live or that you operate under a pseudo name…OOH! Stay tuned for This is Awesome! #1. The phrase "pseudo name" and people who pronounce it as pseudonym…with a British accent."

Tattoo You

So, um...I just...well, see...this. I...this is not ok.

What's werid is that a certain coach I once had used to call us monkey asses. Turns out I'm not one.

At Last. My Love Has Come Along...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! I CAN'T GET OVER IT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

FREE MONEY!!!

Free money, huh? My ship has finally come in!!! Here I am just checking my morning email...expecting some threats from companies to whom I owe money and I find this! I can FINALLY breathe easily. Man I can't wait to give this guy my private mobile, telephone, and fax numbers for easy communication! Read on and get on board! FREE MONEY! RISK FREE! It's true. He says so himself. Now remember, keep it on the DL. It's super top-secret.

"From:MR FRED SIBAYA No.54 Palm Groove,
Braafontein
Johannesburg
South Africa Tel/Fax+0027 86 529 0021 Dear Sir,
I am MR.FRED SIBAYA from Zimbabwe the first Son of MR JOHN SIBAYA, who was murdered in the land dispute in Zimbabwe by the agents of the ruling government of President ROBERT MUGABE, you must have heard his alleged support and sympathy for the opposition MDC PARTY led by the minority white farmers. My Father was among the few black Zimbabwean rich farmers murdered in cold blood by the war veterans backed by the government.
Before the death of my Father, he deposited the sum of US$12M (Twelve Million United State Dollars) With one of the security company in Southern Africa, as if he knew the looming danger in ZIMBABWE. The money was deposited as a gem and precious stones to avoid much attraction from the security firm. The money was earmarked for the purchase of new machinery and chemicals for the farms and the establishment of new farms in Lesotho and Swaziland before the regretted incident. This Land problem arose when President Robert Mugabe introduced a new land act. Which wholly affects the white rich farmers and some few blacks vehemently condemned the "Modus operandi" adopted by the government. This resulted to rampart killing and Mob actions.
My mother and I are staying in South Africa now as Asylum seekers, which have not been beneficial to us; I have decided to transfer this money to a foreign country where we can invest it. I am faced with the dilemma of investing this amount of money in South Africa for fear of encountering the same experience in future since both countries have the same political policy and also law does not permit us to investment hence we’re refugees. I must let you know that this business is 100% risk free. I and my family have agreed to give you 20% of the total US12M, 5% will be mapped out for all expenses that maybe incurred during the transfer 5% for any charity organization and 70% will be for me and my family’s investment in your country.
Therefore if you are willing and interested to render the needed assistance, endeavour to reply through fredsibaya0@gmail.com for more brief clarifications. I also need your private mobile, telephone and fax numbers for easy communication. Remember; this is highly confidential and the success of this business depends on how secret it is kept. Expecting your reply soonest.
Best regards,
MR.FRED SIBAYA (FOR THE FAMILY) "

Now what the heck are you waiting for? Get your free money!

Oh, How Far We've Come!!!

Dear "Friend" of mine who is sending around an email with a subject line that reads "FBI uncovers plot to trap Obama", that when opened shows a picture of a box with a watermelon in it, held up by a stick with a string attached to it (the kind that will trap something when pulled. i.e. a rabbit or squirrel),


You're not even a little bit funny. You're fucking racist. May your daughters breed with handsome and intelligent men of color, and may their beautiful, successful, well-adjusted off-spring dance on your grave. Asshole.

Here, I got a pic for you:Love,
rem

The WAWA Sisterhood!

Dear Jenny,

DUDE! It's your birthday! Ever since that beautiful day when you gazed into my eyes and said, "Dude, if you try to make me munch box we can't be friends." you have been the Tango to my Cash. The Laverne to my Shirley. The Cage to my Jack. And other gay-ass shit. You've withstood threats on your mother from mine. Meriwether family Christmas trees, Letters of Dismissal, Leo the Dick, Laura, ME, my break ups, me "reeeeeally meaning it this time!", you brought donuts to my grandmother's funeral (and came to the church way early b/c I had to be there way early...I really loved my grandmother. You got that without making me say it and sound like a pussy), and SOOOOOOOO much more.

You think that singing in a person's face in a car ride is ok. More than ok. It is expected. You know that me going home means I'm actually going to your house while I stop by my mom's a few times. You pretty much just assume you're picking me up from the airport. You never complain about it. You gave me your green shirt when I moved away. You stopped talking to me for a REALLY long time the year I forgot your birthday, and I wasn't all THAT concerned because I knew we'd eventually be fine again. That's how we are. I'm sure that you love me. You and only one other person (actual statistic). You've ridden out my career changes. And you make me laugh. We both think the other person is funnier. I'm right. And you too believe that posing for weird pictures is the right thing to do. You too believe that food IS therapy...especially since if it's from WAWA. And you fully support my idea to move to the fictional town of Stars Hollow.

This could go on forever. What it really comes down to is that it's awesome how we're awesome.
To the WAWA sisterhood!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DUDE!

-rem

p.s. remember how this time last year we spent the day in court shaking our heads at my brother in disbelief??? BEST. BIRTHDAY. EVER!