F*** Em' If They Can't Take A Joke: Things I Love

Dear Jenny,

DUDE! It's your birthday! Ever since that beautiful day when you gazed into my eyes and said, "Dude, if you try to make me munch box we can't be friends." you have been the Tango to my Cash. The Laverne to my Shirley. The Cage to my Jack. And other gay-ass shit. You've withstood threats on your mother from mine. Meriwether family Christmas trees, Letters of Dismissal, Leo the Dick, Laura, ME, my break ups, me "reeeeeally meaning it this time!", you brought donuts to my grandmother's funeral (and came to the church way early b/c I had to be there way early...I really loved my grandmother. You got that without making me say it and sound like a pussy), and SOOOOOOOO much more.

You think that singing in a person's face in a car ride is ok. More than ok. It is expected. You know that me going home means I'm actually going to your house while I stop by my mom's a few times. You pretty much just assume you're picking me up from the airport. You never complain about it. You gave me your green shirt when I moved away. You stopped talking to me for a REALLY long time the year I forgot your birthday, and I wasn't all THAT concerned because I knew we'd eventually be fine again. That's how we are. I'm sure that you love me. You and only one other person (actual statistic). You've ridden out my career changes. And you make me laugh. We both think the other person is funnier. I'm right. And you too believe that posing for weird pictures is the right thing to do. You too believe that food IS therapy...especially since if it's from WAWA. And you fully support my idea to move to the fictional town of Stars Hollow.

This could go on forever. What it really comes down to is that it's awesome how we're awesome.
To the WAWA sisterhood!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DUDE!

-rem

p.s. remember how this time last year we spent the day in court shaking our heads at my brother in disbelief??? BEST. BIRTHDAY. EVER!

Tisk, tisk people. What did I say? If you’re to send me messages calling me soulless, etc you should do it via blog comment. I already did “things I love #1” a few days ago. Did that count for nothing? But ok, maybe my crankiness came on a bit strong. I’ve been a bit stressed lately, but honestly I say and do a lot of things that just aren’t good…or maybe more specifically, NOT “smiled upon” and I wanted to just be more upfront about it. No apologies, but a zone for me to say things I think and feel. So I would like to submit my next post on things I love and be a little more specific this time. So, you can stop calling me names and psychoanalyzing me. I have a soul…it just happened to come with one complementary dirty east-coast mouth and one over analytical, over educated brain, and since I called within ten minutes I got a free career that deals with hearing and seeing REALLY shitty things happen to perfectly innocent people. That package deal can equal some pretty fucked up results…mostly turning me into an asshole. So…dear friends who’ve said some really weird and or mean shit to me this past week, Presenting: Things I love #2, The People Edition.

I love my siblings because we share parents and that means that we will one day (for better or worse) understand each other in a way that no one else will.

I love Jenny because she cried when I moved from Philly to Chicago and gave me my favorite shirt of hers, she stood in the receiving line at my grandmother’s funeral, and she knew to shut up and decorate the Christmas tree when my mother demanded she do so (who just seconds prior had threatened to beat up Jenny’s mom…weird story).

I love Dana because she knew me before Chicago…when people thought I was cool…and when she moved out here and watched me get progressively less cool, she loved me just as much as she ever did. She still does.

I love J-Mo because no matter what I say or do I’m right, and which ever person I’m telling him about me having a beef with is wrong. Samples of J-Mo’s work include: “FUCK THAT BITCH! SHE’S FUCKING DEAD TO YOU!!” & “Sorry officer. I didn’t even know that girl. I just gave her a ride.” And how could I forget, “Dude! Did you just f*** her in the back of my Explorer?! YES! You just upped the resale!!” Those are just of few of maybe 300 times that no matter what I did, to J-Mo I was right.

I love Matt and Bun because when they married I was in their bridal party…but wait—there’s more! Matt is my ex-boyfriend. Bun is the girl he dated after me (they married like 8 years after we broke up so this isn’t as weird as it sounds). The thing is; Matt is like family to me. We’ve known each other for over half of our lives. Our families know each other. He’s one of my best friends and this was going to be one of the biggest days of his life. We’ve been with each other through thick and thin…in fact when he and Bun broke up for a brief period he and I spent many hours concocting a plan to get her back…it worked. And Bun. I ADORE her. She’s like a fucking blonde Snow White who still thinks fart jokes are funny. She’s perfect and they belong together. And she gets “me and Matt”. And one day she called me and asked me to be one of her bridesmaids. I think it was her, “Don’t worry; he’s still going to be one of your best friends…even when he’s my husband.” She was right. *note…writing that kinda made me tear up*

I love Anne S. because despite having a really weird and awkward introduction and factors that would make most women really dislike or dismiss me, she ended up judging for herself and is now one of my best friends. Also, she has pretty much the finest ass in this hemisphere. Also she holds me accountable…again, without judging me. And her eyes are pretty.

I love M.S.G. because no matter what stupid idea I have she backs me. Doctor, lawyer, Indian chief…if I say I want to do it, she says I can. She’s seen me be a COMPLETE FUCKING ASSHOLE, told me I was being a COMPELTE FUCKING ASSHOLE and then would do something like take me to a movie or ask me to breakfast. She was the 1st person in Chicago that I let hear any of my music and when it was over she said, “I LOVE it dude, really!” And then a bunch of other stuff…and she meant it. I could tell by the way she said it. Also she’s a dego-wop. What’s not to love?

I love Annie Fegs because she drove all the way up here in the freezing weather just to bring me my favorite candy because I had a broken heart. That ain’t all, but it’s very representative of who she is and how she treats me.

I love Myers because she’s the devil on my shoulder and probably my biggest cheerleader…but only in things that involve malice intent…and everyone needs one of those! AND…she’d do anything for me. I know it.

I love Fannie and LES because they treated me like family…which gladly involved me letting them hog the couch while I brought them drinks. I’d do it again in a second. Also, they were confident enough in their intellect to admit to loving and respecting someone who goes by the name of Buffy.

I love Anna W. because she was some sort of salvation to me. A reminder that I might be worth loving and that someone might still be worth being loved. And she’s a super-good drinker with a great shoe and bag collection.

I love Amy G. because she may have been my sanest, while it lasted. Not sane as in that SHE was sane. Or that I was sane. But that IT was sane, because it was the most truthful I’d ever been with myself. And in that time she was evidence that I’d made it. That I wasn’t my past and that if nothing else I knew that there was at least one thing on this planet that I knew how to do organically. I knew how to 100% whole-heartedly love a person 100% of the time no matter what else was going on in my life. No matter where I’d been and no matter where I was going. It probably seems simple for a lot of you. Not for me. At least now I know it’s possible.

I love Nicole because she said I had to say I love her and I've been letting her boss me around for over half my life...why stop here?

Now, what are the commonalities between all of these people? #1 They all know that I may just be one of the most imperfect people they have ever met. And #2 I love them all so deeply that it makes my gut hurt. None of this negates my assholeness, and remember I’m not claiming that every one of these people loves me in return…but I’m not sure that’s really the point.

*note* there are others. I’ll get them next time.