I talked to my mom on the phone two nights ago. Not a very common occurrence because, well...she doesn't really like me that much. But she had news and so she called. The news was decent (my family will not stop growing...I am soon to be the oldest of 7. Honestly, I can't afford it.). She asked me about school, work, and music (the standard). She validated my successes and ignored my failures (I’m thinking she had a good 3/4 of a bottle of Shiraz under her belt at this point in the night...it smoothes over the failures part). When we were getting off the phone she said, "keep at it honey. I’m proud of my baby-girl, and when things get confusing remember my rules to live by." 1st of all, I'm not so sure what the proud part is about. I'm not being humble people; I'm telling you the truth. I do NOTHING, and when I appear to do something good it is entirely self-serving with the mask of altruism. 2nd of all, I'm going to be 30 this summer...and yet I'm still “baby-girl”.
Anyway, last night was...well, "confusing" to say the least and so I decided to take her advice. I sat and thought back to being a newly 18 year old girl being dropped of at college by her mother and her aunt. I thought about the sense of terror and sadness I felt at the realization that after wishing to be left alone for the past 6 or so years, I was actually about to be.
I'm guessing my mom saw that look on my face. And we had one of those moments. I guess they're different for each mother-daughter pair. For us it's that look in her eye that says, "This very moment I don't resent you for being born when I was so young and ruining my life." and I look back at her with a look that says, "This very moment I don't resent you for ignoring me for most of my life." It's very touching...from what I remember. Anyway, having seen the look on my face she sat me down on the probably STD infested dorm room mattress and said, "Listen, I know you're scared. You're supposed to be. It's what you do with that that matters. Life isn't as hard as people make it. All you need is a few simple rules to live by. You stick with them and you'll always be ok." I asked her if they were different for everybody and she said, "No. That's the mistake people make. They think the rules are different for everyone. If that were the case the world would be chaos, wouldn't it?" I agreed and asked her if she'd tell me what they are or if I'm supposed to figure them out. She said, "Maybe you're supposed to figure them out. But I'm your mom, so I'm going to tell you." So she did. She listed them in order of importance. I needed some clarity last night so I went over them again in my head. Here they are. My mother's rules to live by (in order of importance):
#7. The moment a person says "I'm not crazy..." walk away. Do not offer an explanation.
#6. Never, EVER refuse a free drink. It is rude, and worse it is stupid.
#5. Never fuck with an African-American grandmother. They have endured more than you ever will and as a result can kick the shit out of you with words alone...but you're lucky if words are all they use.
#4. When someone offers you something to eat/taste/smell and they have a weird look on their face, don't. In fact, remember that that person isn't your friend and don't ever talk to them again. Again, offer no explanation.
#3. Don't blame it on me. Blame it on your father.
#2. If it is tall and it is blonde it is your enemy. Yes, that includes your aunt ________.
And #1....................................
NEVER trust a woman whose upper thighs don't rub together.
"That's it?" I asked her? "That's it." She said. And as life went on I could see more and more that she was right. These rules were all I really needed to get by. And so every time I lose my way, I sit and I think, "What were my rules to live by, again?" And I hear my mom's voice telling me what I need to know to live well...or at least NOT live badly. And so I wanted to share them with all of you.
So, thanks mom. It is times like these where I just want to say, "I'm really glad it's illegal for my therapist to tell you what I say."
Cheers!
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9 comments:
Be glad your mom gave you 7 rules. My mom only gave me one....FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! Seriously. That's how she is.
You told me to comment, but I can't think of anything to comment, but you told me to, so... here's my comment. Nice boobs.
that's pretty good. i'll take it.
haha...those are great rules... except the "tall and blonde" one.
oh wait, actually that's probably still true.
jane, *immunity pass* ;-)
At first i thought the rules were going to be serious like "be the change you wish to see in the world" or something.
Nevertheless, I think your mom's rules are way more practical...
Oh no, fannie. This story is 100% true and my mom would NEVER give mother theresa advice. mostly b/c mother t. never got laid or drunk.
Don't fret about the 'baby girl' thing...I'm almost 40, and I'm still baby girl, on a daily basis. It's just mom's way of showing that you're special :)
(this is Leslie, case you don't know the whole 'wesawee' thing)
i know who you are darlin'! thanks for stopping by. that may be...or it could be her having been drunk since i was about 8 years old and having lost track of time...which would make sense for her to call me baby-girl....if she still literally thinks i'm still that age.
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